The Great Toilet Paper Caper

Australia’s bizarre panicked rush to buy shitloads of toilet paper has masked what must be an actual critical shortage, Viagra! As how could a country with such a rugged image turn into a nation of soft-cocks virtually overnight? It’s fucken embarrassing not only because there was never going to be a shortage of toilet paper but even if there was, so the fuck what?! In the midst of a corona virus pandemic our biggest concern is being able to wipe our arse with an ample scrunch of 4ply super soft scented Sorbent? What the fuck has happened to our nation?!

‘Fuckwits to register 6 please, fuckwits register 6’

During the Second World War our Diggers who fought on the Kokoda Track suffered dysentery to the point of cutting the arse out of their trousers so they could shit and fight at the same time. Even though they may have appreciated an uninterrupted supply of hypoallergenic quilted dunny roll ya reckon it was top of their list? So why is it on top of ours?

Unlike dysentery, corona virus doesn’t make you shit through the eye of a needle. In fact you probably won’t have to drop the kids off at the pool any more regularly than normal. Corona virus probably won’t interrupt supply as most of our bog paper is made in Australia and there’s shitloads of it. So what’s sparked the panic buying? Morons…plain and simple. Lemmings who succumb to mob mentality and follow the herd. The irony being those who are panic buying toilet paper probably aren’t smart enough to wipe their own arse anyway.

There’s even been a report of some bird pulling a knife in a bog roll dispute in Woolies! How mad’s that?! This crazy bitch would rather stab some cunt than wipe her clacker with newspaper or any other numerous ways cleaning your crack besides swiping it with a few sheets of glorified tissue.

My cousin wiping his arse with a stick – 1975

And let’s face it, toilet paper’s not the most efficient way of buffing the bum hole anyway. If it was there’d be no such thing as anal bleaching. I don’t know about you blokes but some days it’s like I’ve got a brown crayon wedged up my arse as no matter how many times you wipe, the cursory inspection still reveals that single brown line on the paper. If only my home printer was that efficient!

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